I saw a link in my social media feed of Annie Downs’ blog post, Stop Singing Oceans. The title grabbed my attention since I love that song. I wasn’t sure why it always made me tear up until I read Annie’s words.
“You are asking God to take you to where your trust has no borders. You know what that means? You have to leave your borders.” ~~ Annie Downs
Once again I cried. I knew deep down that I wasn’t ready to step outside the borders of my comfort zone. I wanted to move but wasn’t sure I could. I believed but need Him to help with my unbelief.
It was a year ago that I read Annie’s words and it has been a rough year for our family. In the course of about 6 months all four members of my little family went through job changes. Loss of income or a big change in income will cause a person to re-evaluate priorities. You figure out what things are really important. You see the things you thought you needed but now are learning to live without. You even find a few gift or talents that you didn’t know you had. You start knowing that you have nothing else to hold to but Him.
This morning I had my ITunes on shuffle as I walked, when Oceans began to play through my earbuds. I had not listened to it in almost 12 months. I let it play through. As it ended I found myself again wrestling with idea of The Spirit leading me. Of the idea of completely trusting Him. What finally washed over me was gratitude.
Every day I find myself sing songs or reading words that far beyond my ability to honestly mean. As a sinner fighting an internal war daily, I am not capable of worshiping God perfectly. Still, I find my heart crying out in tunes all day long. I am so thankful that He invites me to enter into a place where I can sing or speak deep words of affirmation of my faith. It is still a faith that I don’t always feel and I am so scared of where it will lead, yet I still know Truth.
God know when/why/how I set up borders. He knows the borders I’m hoping He will never ask me to cross. He sees the fear and hesitation in me and invites me to worship Him anyway. It is because of His Amazing Grace that I can sing about how wretched I am then boldly proclaim how much He loves me. He wants my whole heart. I know that and I want to give it to Him but He promises that when my flesh is weak, when my focus falls and when my feet falter He will be there interceding for me with the Father.
So, I can (with tears of joy flowing) sing Oceans even on the days that I am pulling my set borders in closer. He knows what I’m holding back. He multiplies the little I offer and calls me His.