So often I find that I’m scared to join on real life community but I love being a part of my online community? Maybe it is because when I look in the mirror I still see the hurt from rejection. Rejection by friends I thought would be with me until I was old and gray.
The emptiness is cause by friendships moving and changing with the normal ebb and flow of life but could pick up right where it left off with just a short Facebook post. No, this emptiness comes in a little more swiftly and hurts a lot more like a flower plucked out of the nurturing earth by its roots.
The plucking seems to come out of nowhere. The reason is still unknown now even years later. The questions of what is wrong with me, what did I do wrong and why still linger. Our lives today don’t intersect at all yet my heart still breaks from all the various unknowns that happened.
Maybe it is like the old country song, ‘So much cooler on line’. Online I can reveal myself just a little at a time. I can take the time to think before I speak and therefore edit myself. I can tune my voice to be more like the one I want people to hear. But most of all I can pretend that my heart doesn’t carry the scars and damage for communities past.
I struggle to let go of those hurts and to forgive. The cut of rejection appears to heal yet there is always the scar of insecurities that don’t allow me to forget.
I dream of the day that I awake each morning and to step bravely into new places. I desire to connect myself to community fearlessly. Fearless seems impossible when the enemy whispers reminders of how I am not good enough with each new opportunity. He convinces me not to open myself up because I’ll be rejected. I’ll be turned away.
But if I will chose to listen to another voice, the Voice of Truth I’ll hear a different story.
Colossians 3: 12-14
“So, chosen by God for this new life of love, dress in the wardrobe God picked out for you: compassion, kindness, humility, quiet strength, discipline. Be even-tempered, content with second place, quick to forgive an offense. Forgive as quickly and completely as the Master forgave you. And regardless of what else you put on, wear love. It’s your basic all-purpose garment. Never be without it.” (MSG).
So when the enemy begins to tell me of everything that I’m not; God tells me who I am. He tells me that I am the Daughter of the King. His plan for me is perfect. It is so much better than anything I can dream up, and all I have to do is love. When I take the focus off of me I can then look to encourage others. I can become a community builder who carry the same scars and fears but has overcome them.
Community does hurts but in His hands it becomes a blessing.