I don’t know if you all noticed that my post have been a bit few and further between these couple of months but every time I sit down at my keyboard, the words in my head don’t seem to make it to my fingers.
It may seem as if I was empty of words but honestly I was not at a loss of words. Nope I actually have an abundance of words, I was just empty of complacent words. The kind of words others would find pleasant to read. Words that tell a sweet story with a comfortable and universally acceptable morale. Those words are the words I am empty of.
The words that were occupying my mind were twirling like a tornado mixed with conflicting thoughts and feelings.
Even a few convicting words.
There are thoughts that are being scattered by the winds of fear and doubt while at the same time being held together with the thread of hope.
These are the words I have but not the words that I want to write. They are words that are hard. They don’t flow. They are challenging. These words I feel right now rub against the grain of all I have ever known. In order open my heart vein and let these words bleed out I first have to feel the pain of the cutting they cause.
How am I to write a string of words when I don’t fully understand them myself? I’d hate to sit here and share the words only to find months later that I am again unsure if I really believe them. I also don’t want to spend more time deleting words than writing them just to ensure those who read them are comfortable. I don’t want to just be an ear-tickler to myself or to others.
I’ve written before about the impossible Christian checklist we either expect ourselves, other or both to follow. As much as our hearts may desire to cross off the to-do list with perfection, we can’t. Things like this cause me to call myself a follower of Christ instead of a Christian.
I am not just flip-flopping the names around like a chameleon changing colors. It isn’t about being “spiritual but not religious”. It is an attempt to clarify to myself whose I am and who I am.
Over the years it seems the name (the label), “Christian” has caused us to stack one brick on another until we built a wall. A wall that we have used keep us comfortable. To keep safe in our acceptable places.
However, God is much bigger than that. He is too big to be held within the walls that we have built with our human definition of Christianity.
There is a full world just beyond those stacked bricks. He gave us such beauty and truth and I can’t imagine that it would be something for us to fear or something we should avoid approaching.
When I look inside the wall, I see so much fear and so much division. Fear of discussing the hard issues. Issues like we are all sinners on level ground. The prostitute, the homosexual, the liar and the one that cheats on their taxes are all sinners and are all in need of a Savior. Division on how to shine the Light in a world of darkness.
Do we as Christians spend so much time touting our own understanding of God and truth that we leave little room to actually encounter God on more than just an intellectual level. The Bible, a simple leather bond stack of paper pages, reveals God and contains the word of God but it isn’t the only place we find Him. He’s strength shows in the wind that blows. His Glory shows in rhythm of day changing into night and summer moving into winter. The Kingdom of God is within each of us.
So much of what I have accepted in my life as how to live as a “good Christian” has been defining a mighty God to something I can understand. I don’t want a god I can understand. God is beyond all understanding.
I am not sure these words make any more sense written out than they did as they swirled in my head. Maybe they have simply taken up space here, occupied the daily post.
Yet at the same time they do matter. In fact right now these words, as confusing as they may be, matter more than most I have written. They are important because they are being used by Him to mold me.
I don’t have a nice neat ending, only more and more tangled questions. So here we are, for one moment of agonizingly honest confusion.